On the night before my 35th 10th, I read a passage from the book You Can’t Make This Stuff Up by the Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo, and it spoke to me.
Did you just silently judge me? Yes, I said the Long Island Medium. Watching her show in the weeks and months after Luca died kept us afloat, gave us hope, and showed us that we weren’t alone. I take her words to heart, and after reading this passage in her book I’m talking louder….
On the 35th 10th, I woke up the same way I do most of my days, with his little sister next to me. Elia opens her eyes and immediately has a smile on her face.
I think about how lucky we are to have her.
There goes the damn but again.
But. We will always miss him. We will always wish he was here with us, with her, being an almost 3 year old. For the rest of our lives we will always wonder about Luca.
So, we get out of bed, walk to the living room and start our music for the morning. I look up the playlist we created for his birth, and we start the songs. I haven’t listened to it in months, and it feels both heavy, and so comforting to hear his songs.
“The Devil Went Down to Georgia” comes on and I’m gutted for a moment. I think of Gina holding Luca in her arms, he’s already gone or almost gone, and she is singing it to him and kissing his sweet face.
We interpreted that song for months after his death, and it made sense that it was his fight song. Luca had an exit strategy before he was born. He wasn’t meant to stay. But he certainly did kick some ass while he was here.
And even though it’s so hard to accept, I can say it and know that there was nothing that I could have done to save my son. His death was for a bigger reason, one that nearly three years later I’m still working on figuring out; one that I may always be working on figuring out.
“My Sweet Lord” comes on and Elia leaves my side, maneuvers her way off the couch, and begins to dance in front of me.
She carries Luca in her heart and in her soul, too.