This month was our 33rd 10th remembering Luca.
On the 10th, I had a clear mind when I woke up, which doesn’t always happen. We had our normal unpredictable toddler morning, and headed out the door.
At some point during our drive in the AM,the skies were a little darker, and I looked back to see Elia. Her hair was completely combed over to the side, which hardly ever happens now since it’s growing straight down into her eyes. That, coupled with how dark it was in the car, made her blonde-ish hair look so different.
I stared at her reflection.
I had a realization right then, that was likely exactly what Luca would have looked like.
And I felt it in my heart. I cried tears of big love because I caught a glimpse, for a second, of who he was. So handsome. So sweet. Everything I imagined him to be, coming through in his baby sister.
No rocks were found this 10th. In fact we haven’t had rock sightings yet this year. I hope for it every time we go to the beach, and when we don’t find them, my heart aches a bit.
What does it all mean? How can I get such ridiculous signs one moment, and then when I feel like I need it the most and want it the most, it doesn’t happen?
As we get closer to his third birthday, we will plan to get a new bunch of rocks ready to skip into the ocean.
And as me approach our third holiday season and new year both with and without him, we are forced to parent him by reflecting on how he’s affected our lives, and spend time in the thoughts of who he would be today. It’s like a short visit with him, going forward in our time together, and imagining what he would be like. Such is the life of a loss parent. Always wondering, always hoping. Always wanting to remember their baby.
And even with the great fortune of having our rainbow, I still want to be Luca’s mama everyday. And I want the world to know, he’s my son.
This holiday season, and any day you feel the need or have it in your heart to connect with someone that may be missing a loved one, get all up in that seemingly uncomfortable space and do it. I guarantee it won’t be uncomfortable for long. Tell them that you are thinking of them as they maneuver through the highs and lows of this festive time of the year. Reach out, and tell them you are holding space for them.
That you are thinking about them,
and thinking of their loved one.
And maybe you even do something in their loved ones honor if it’s in your heart to.
Talk about their loved one.
That could be the greatest gift that you could give them, and a most thoughtful way to spread love this holiday season.