Stopping By.

Today, I put a brand new in-the-box and still sealed, breast pump for sale.

It was the breast pump I had ordered for Luca’s arrival.

The other day, I watched a beautiful video of a baby being born at home, into the water. I cried. I cried so hard I shook at how wonderful it was and how I would never have that birth like I had dreamed of.

It feels so far away, but the pain is still so guttural. Deafening.

A breast pump I never used, for milk that never came in, for a baby that I never got to feed.

A birthing pool that was full of water, waiting to be used. I stepped into it once, and never returned. While I was in the hospital and Luca died, Luca’s other mama came home to drain the pool, roll it up, and throw it away. Never to be used again.

I don’t live in this grief every minute of every day. But when we visit, I am in awe of the intensity of the emotion.

And I keep moving.

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2 thoughts on “Stopping By.

  1. Time changes many things, but rarely does it change the love a mother has for her child. (We may not always like our children when they are misbehaving, etc. but that’s not what I’m talking about here.) The Greek word for the love of a mother is just one example of how deep and raw this intensity of love is for our children. Prayers to you and your family.

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