Today, I put a brand new in-the-box and still sealed, breast pump for sale.
It was the breast pump I had ordered for Luca’s arrival.
The other day, I watched a beautiful video of a baby being born at home, into the water. I cried. I cried so hard I shook at how wonderful it was and how I would never have that birth like I had dreamed of.
It feels so far away, but the pain is still so guttural. Deafening.
A breast pump I never used, for milk that never came in, for a baby that I never got to feed.
A birthing pool that was full of water, waiting to be used. I stepped into it once, and never returned. While I was in the hospital and Luca died, Luca’s other mama came home to drain the pool, roll it up, and throw it away. Never to be used again.
I don’t live in this grief every minute of every day. But when we visit, I am in awe of the intensity of the emotion.
And I keep moving.