In life, after you have experienced deep loss or unexpected tragedy, it becomes nearly impossible in many moments of one’s day, to stave off the anxiety, the terrifying feeling that you will lose again.
You can get stuck in these feelings. And why not? The worst has happened.
I get stuck in these feelings.
I struggle to pull myself out of them. I want to, so badly. I want to think all is going to be okay with baby girl, and that she will make it and join us here in our world, and I won’t have to parent another child from the other side. I have to work to turn that thought around, to think that everything will be okay with this little soul.
I have to reach for that thought. I envision her birth. How differently it will look from what I had planned for Luca’s birth, but filled with just the same amount of love and hope.
I don’t want to lose another child.
I want to hold her in my arms and see her open her eyes and move around, and be- full of life.
If it’s taken this long to get this far in her gestation, how will we ever make it to her birth date? The days- forget the days, the moments even- they go by so incredibly slow. They literally just barely move when I am in them.
If I wake up in the middle of the night, I can hardly ever just go back to sleep. Thoughts take over my mind. I cry because I miss Luca. I cry because I so want to have my baby live.
It’s hard not to have these feelings. They are a natural part of life after loss. One can’t expect to ever really be sure-footed again when the ground has been pulled out from underneath them.
I have to live in the hope.
I have to force myself to live in the hope. And I’m struggling.