Last week was Luca’s 14th month birthday, Mother’s Day, and my birthday. It was our second Mother’s Day and my second birthday since Luca was born. It was our second mother’s day as mothers, without our son here. A milestone each month, each week, each day, each minute.
I started this post over a week ago. For the last week, I have stared at the computer screen contemplating what to write, or rather, trying to figure out how to put all these emotions from my mind onto a computer screen. How do I express the love and loss? How do I explain it? And how do I do it justice in a blog post? I don’t know if I can, but once again I try.
A few days ago, a friend posted a link for the most beautiful lullaby renditions of popular songs. I have been listening to them ever since. They are so gentle and sweet sounding and soothing. I immediately imagined how it would feel to have Luca in my arms, falling asleep to these sounds. His weight on me, the smell of his baby hair and baby skin, his perfect pink lips, his fluffy hair.
How do I convey to the world how much I miss him?
At the same time, how I can express how grateful I am that I knew him at all?
This past week, an amazing thing happened. A complete stranger found one of the rocks we skipped for Luca on his birthday. It was just one of those moments that I want to live in all the time, where I feel like there is so much purpose from our experience. It’s big enough to me, that I will need to write another post about how Luca showed up to a complete stranger, and how she reached out to tell me all about it.
He lives in my heart. Bits of him are factually circulating in the blood that flows through my body. He surrounds me everyday with as much love as I am open to, and he watches over me. I believe my son has become my guide, the same reason that makes me want to call it quits most days (well actually, that’s more me than him), is the same reason I go on every day.
My heart breaks open when I listen to these songs and think I never got the chance to rock him to sleep while listening to a lullaby rendition of Bob Marley’s “Could You Be Loved”, or The Pixies “Where is My Mind“.
But then my same broken heart, which like the Grinch’s has grown at least three sizes, gets filled with hope.
Hope for this baby now growing in my belly.
That later this year, I will sit in Luca’s gliding chair, with babe in my arms, listening to lullaby renditions of all of these songs and thinking, if it weren’t for Luca, I wouldn’t be carrying this little miracle.
It’s still far enough away, that it seems like a dream still. But I can dream. And while I do that, I’ll just continue to ask Luca to keep his mamas and his sibling safe and healthy, and keep sending us his gifts.