Around and around we go, in a circle that seemingly never ends. Every night we end up in the same place, every morning we wake up in that exact same place.
In this stage of our grief, what has become so evident is how stuck we are.
As many have pointed out to us, life goes on.
Not for us. Not now. Maybe later. But certainly not now.
But how do I snap out of this feeling of stuck? How do I not feel that same way every morning, and every evening?
We went from one life, so very ready to move to the next stage. Our child.
One day I was pregnant, and the next day, literally, the next day, I wasn’t pregnant anymore, and he was gone.
It’s like I’m stuck in this vortex- trying to figure out what happened and where Luca went. And at just shy of 5 months since he left his physical body, all the sweet babies born around his birth date keep growing. Babies born now, babies born next week will grow. Everyone else keeps growing and living.
And we are here childless. Trying to figure out how to make it through the day, and hoping to get a sign from Luca letting us know he’s around. Hoping that someone around us will say Luca’s name. Anything. I feel like most days we are just grasping.
My beautiful wife is in the kitchen making me dinner as I’m stuck to the couch. All I can do is write to try and make some sense of this experience. All I can do is try to document these feelings so I can read them over and over and understand that I’m only so messed up right now because my love for my son is so very big. It’s bigger and stronger than I could have ever imagined. And that’s why this grief, this feeling of loss, is larger than anything I’ve ever known.
Losing my baby- others that had been through the same experience told me it was going to be a full time job, and it has been. I feel like I put in my 40 hours at work, and then I put in 80 hours of loving and trying to honor my son as best I know how at this moment. But there is no instruction manual for the loss of your child, and trying to figure it out can be exhausting.
So everyday we ride the roller coaster. Wondering what tomorrow is going to be like, and knowing that if today sucked, there is a chance it will be lighter tomorrow. And we hold on to each other tight. With so much love. Because it’s from all this love that we have for each other that Luca existed in the first place.
It comforts me to know at night, when I cry myself to sleep sometimes, she will wrap me up in her arms and tell me she knows what I’m feeling. She knows, because she feels it too. He was so loved by the both of us. He will always be loved by both of his mamas.
And there is a glimmer of light, because I know we will make our way through this. A moment at a time, day after day.
And maybe one day, we will step out of this hamster wheel .