Right at this moment I’m feeling the solitude of not only our loss of Luca, but the loss of friendships, of kinship with other mothers.
Luca may not be here with us in our arms or in the beautiful Tula we had bought for him, but we are still mothers. We still mother him, but in a completely different way. I have to keep his presence known and make sure he is never forgotten.
We don’t get to go to playgroups, hang our with friends and their infants. We don’t get invited because we don’t fit in. And there is no circle of grieving mamas I know locally, so there is no kinship we feel with other mothers that we can just sit with.
We have some very special friends who love and support us and want us around, and their children know Luca’s name, and for that, I’m so very grateful.
I just want to have my beautiful baby boy in my arms and bond with other mothers about the growth of our babies, and laugh about sleep deprivation.
That’s what I mourn today.