When putting together the playlist for Luca’s birth, I wanted to incorporate songs that moved me, that made me feel. I wanted to be laboring and listening to this music, and feel the love that I had for him and our little family through the lyrics in these songs. He was going to be the start of this new level of our family, and I wanted to show him what a home and love would mean from the very get go.

So I picked music that all had something to do with home, with love, with loyalty, and also with loss. Because my own experience with loss, though a completely different kind, had made me to be the person I was even before Luca was born.

We listened to so many of these songs every morning when I was getting ready for work. Gina was already gone to work by the time I was getting ready, and I would stand in the shower and slow dance with my baby, singing these songs  to Luca.

I sang the Lumineer’s ‘Hey Ho‘ song at the top of my lungs for my son.

‘I’ve been trying to do it right
I’ve been living a lonely life….

 So show me family
All the blood that I would bleed
 I don’t know where I belong
I don’t know where I went wrong
 But I can write a song

I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweet

Love ‒ we need it now
Let’s hope for some
So, we’re bleeding out

I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweet’

Luca. My sweet golden boy. My first born. I was his mama. We were his moms.

This Coldplay song  “In my Place’ was also on his playlist, and now when we hear it, we sing these lyrics half through the guttural sobs like a plea,

Please, please, please
Come back and sing to me
To me, to me
Come on and sing it out, now, now
Come on and sing it out to me, me
Come back and sing it
In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn’t change
And I was lost, oh yeah
Oh yeah

Music was always going to be a big part of his life. Dancing was going to be as well.

Every morning we danced to this song. I wanted him to have some Bob Marley in his ears from the womb. Anyone remember that video of the little boy having a tantrum and when his parents put on the Bob Marley, he stopped crying and just bopped his head back and forth? That was going to be Luca.

We had such vivid images in our heads of  holding him and dancing around to these same songs, and new songs to.

There were songs released just before his birth that I could already see us dancing to. I could picture Gina holding him upright, his little body with her right arm and his bobbly head with her left hand. So gently holding him, while she moved her feet and shimmied her shoulders to the newest JT song.

We were so going to show him a few things about love.

And Luca came, and Luca went. Gina did get to hold him and sing one song to him. But I never got to dance with my son.

This family we were so ready to make bigger and fill with more love, is now smaller. Missing pieces, with big gaping holes in our hearts. And these songs have taken on an entirely added meaning of love and loss. A yearning for him to be here and sing and dance these songs with, but that will never be in the physical .

*if you want to hear Luca’s playlist, let me know and I’ll share it with you via Spotify.


One thought on “Playlist

  1. I think I have cellular memory of the playlist because I am stopped often in the oddest places with a stab in my heart and a catch in my throat. Trauma. While you were sweetly resting, I was innocently posting how good playlists were such a great part of attending mothers. And now. I cant hear those songs all the way through without remembering, feeling, losing, and there unfortunately (fortunately) are several popular songs that play widely . So yes, I want the playlist so I can attempt transformation in my heart…maybe get back to the original intention for them. And transform that trauma back to the love.

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