March 10th, we celebrated Luca’s 3rd birthday.
If you would have told me in the days before his birth, that three years later we would be celebrating his life without him, I would have never believed you.
Life is unpredictable. There is so much to be said for living each day like it could be your last. But yet, we hold on to the hope that there will be a tomorrow, and more memories to make.
And so now we make memories with his sister, and we hold him in our hearts every second of every day, for the rest of our lives.
A mother who has lost her child can never ever put into words how deep the pain is that she feels.
I have tried for years, and while it helps, it’s futile. We may try, but it doesn’t translate to words. It’s an indescribable feeling, a chronic ache, a pulling at your heart from the other side of life.
So. I will keep trying. Even in the futility of it.
Below is a message I shared with the friends and family that showed up for us on Luca’s birthday.
“Thank you to everyone who celebrated Luca with us in some capacity, near or far, yesterday. We had a beautiful turn out at the beach and it was another stunner of a sunset. I’m not sure I can ever even put into words how much it means to have people show up with so much love in their hearts to celebrate a child most of them have never met, but I can’t sleep and my chest is about to burst with gratitude, so let me try.
I believe Luca has sent you all to us as gifts, as ways to remind us he is ever present and his energy will always surround our family. Just like the songs he makes sure are on the radio or playing in a store or sung by the singer at the farmers market at the most perfect time, or the butterfly that circles Elia while we are on a walk, or the hummingbird that levitates near me as I stand there smiling and knowing it’s a love note from my son.
Over the last three years, your gifts have been everything from the food, the calls, packages at our door, the words, the mail, the pictures of Luca’s name on the earth people have written all over this planet, the random acts of kindness you put forward into the world in Luca’s memory, and the mentioning of his name and lessons to better relate to others who are in grief.
For all of these, we are so grateful. But for me, three years later, I am most grateful that you remember him. For those of you who knew us when we were pregnant and expecting him, you remember how excited we were, how much we had planned for him and how empowered I had become already as his mama. For the amazing lot of you who have joined in on this journey later in the game, wow, simply wow. Your generosity and love and willingness to show up for new friends that aren’t all sunshine and rainbows is pretty spectacular.
But what all of you seem to have in common, and what I take Luca’s biggest legacy to be, is that you share the want and willingness to relate and show compassion to others in need of it. So many of you have told me that knowing our story have given you the ability to show up for their friends, or teach others how to show up for people completely outside of their immediate circles.
There is plenty of work to be done, but to know that Luca has affected so much change and left us with a legacy of love, empathy, and appreciation in even the darkest of times, makes everything that much lighter, and convinces me that my son was bigger than life.
So thank you. Again and again, for showing up, for celebrating, and for carrying Luca’s message in your hearts. We are forever grateful.”